Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, Paul Ryan, says there’s a simple explanation as to why his claimed marathon completion time was more than an hour faster than the actual time he was clocked according to the magazine Runner’s World.
“My marathon completion time of 2:51:38 is accurate according to my measurement standard known as the Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard or PRCS,” Ryan said. “It’s a simple and much more accurate measurement of an accomplishment of any kind and if more people, to include the liberal media, would just do their homework and get smart on my standard they would have known that and would feel rather foolish over all of the controversy they’ve stirred up.”
Of course “simple” is a relative term when it comes to understanding the complicated and brilliant mind of Paul Ryan.
“Most people simply don’t understand how a mind of someone like Paul Ryan works,” said nuclear physicist, Dr. Hugh Janus of the Nuclear Institute of Manhattan. “…and there is definitely a learning curve when it comes to understanding what comes from the mind of such brilliance and what comes from the mind of a normal person,” said Janus. “He’s way ahead of his time. The rest of the world simply hasn’t caught up to Paul Ryan.”
“My coefficient is pretty clear,” Ryan said. “As it’s outlined in my book, “The Paul Ryan Coefficient Standard”, you just take the ratio of the coefficiency of the flux capacitation variable and divide that by triangulating the null hypothesis which gives you a general measurement that is .00000000000000001 to the tenth power of accuracy which is about a thousand times more accurate than your standard measurement. And there you go. All you have to do is read my book which is on sale for 29.95 at Barnes and Noble to have a much more clear understanding of my methodology,” said Ryan.
“Well, I guess I owe you an apology,” I said.
“Accepted,” said Ryan.
Listed below are some of Paul Ryan’s greatest accomplishments throughout his life with both his coefficiency standard measurement, the PRCS, and the normal standard measurement known as the NLNHM (“non-lying normal human measurement):
1.) Marathon (26.2 miles): 2:51:38 4:01:16
2.) High School Mile Run: 4:15:28 8:15:52
3.) Bench Press: 350 lbs 98 lbs
4.) State Fair Hot Dog-Eating Contest: 48 dogs 2 dogs
5.) Victories in HS wrestling: 85 1*
6.) Number of chicks he slept w/ in college: 166 0
7.) Number of times masturbated in college: 0 16…per day
8.) Number of peaks over 14K feet 40 0**
climbed in Colorado and elsewhere
to include K-2:
* He won by default…the other guy quit before the match began.
**But he read “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer at least six times.
“Hopefully the press and the public now have a better understanding of this more accurate form of measurement. As for the liberal media, I would say they owe me an apology as well,” said Ryan.
“The Washington Post, New York Times, and NPR have also issued apologies and the WP has gone to the extent of hiring additional quantitative research experts to get a better grasp of the PRCS. For its part, the NYT has made it a requirement that its entire staff have a copy of the book alongside of the Associated Press Style Guide and copies of a thesaurus. NPR will include a segment discussing the PCRS on its Science Friday show with Ira Flatow and will devote an additional 10 percent of its funding to explore the science of the PRCS.
“Scientists throughout the world are in awe and humbled by the measurement methodology of Congressman Ryan,” said Janus. “We haven’t seen anything like PRCS since Einstein discovered Bose’s atomic counting method and all I can say is that it’s an exciting time to be alive.”