Family Values Feud !!!

Ladies and gentlemen get ready cause it’s time to play……THE FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!!!

Family Values Feud, where  one family values team does battle with another over a hot button family values issue!

Now here’s your host……POPE BENEDICT XVI !!!!

Pope "Ben" Benedict



“Are you ready to play  Family Values Feud!?!?!?!?!?!”


“…THEN LET’S GO !!!  On my right, say hello to Team Bachmann Family Values made up of Republican Presidential candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich…”


“….and on my left, it’s the Team Pawlenty Family Values with Republican Presidential candidates, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney !!!”

((Clap clap clap clap))!! ((yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaa))!

“Are we ready? !  Then LET’S GO !!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, our category tonight is PRO LIFE !!!  Which team is most Pro-Life?  We have a series of question for each team from tonight’s Pro-Life category.  By the end of the show we’ll know who’s most Pro-Life and, thus, who is the most American.”

“Let’s start with Team Pawlenty….Team Pawlenty, who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Claims he was Pro-Life before Pro-Life was Pro-Life

Pawlenty:  “Uhh, well, I was Pro Life before Pro Life became cool.”

Perry:  “I love life…course, I also love death given that I’m responsible for more executions in my state than all others combined…and to do that you have to love it.  But I think I love life a little bit more than I love death.  Especially when an election is coming up.”

Rick Perry is Pro Life a wee bit more than he is Pro Death

Romney:  “I’m absolutely, without question Pro Life…at least I think I am.  Of course you may have evidence that suggests otherwise….but let me just tell you that I was for life before I was against life.”

Pope Ben:  “Okay….now the same questions goes to Team Bachmann!  Team Bachmann…Who has been Pro Life the longest?”

Santorum:  “I’m so Pro Life that I’ve refrained from any sort of sex in order to not waste my jism and thus kill life.  Of course, my wife has also refused to have any sort of sex with me for the last 25 years which has made such refraining more sustainable.”

Rick Santorum decks out for Family Values Feud

Gingrich: “I’ve left two wives to have affairs and I’m probably going to leave my current wife as soon as I can find someone who’s crazy enough to have an affair with me…so yes, I’m pro wife.”

Gingrich is more Pro Wives than he is Pro Life...but only by a nose

Pope Ben:  “Mr. Gingrich, I said “PRO LIFE.”

Gingrich:  “Ahh, well I’m that too.”

Bachmann:  “Well, I was Pro Life before I was even alive and my mother was just as Pro Life and chose life for me despite the fact that I was born a serious mental retard which has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.”

Pope Ben: “ladies and gentlemen, the 1st round goes to….TEAM BACHMANN!”

“Okay, Team Bachmann leads as we head into round 2.  Our next Pro Life question is this:  Do you jerk off…and if so, what do you do afterwards?”

“Team Bachmann….you’re first.”

Gingrich:  “I only jerk off between wives…and even then I only did it in such a way as to not hurt anyone….especially the great people of America because I’ve always thought I put America first ahead of jerking off which is why I believe I’m most qualified to be President of this great country of ours.  And even when I did jerk off, I would always pray immediately after.”

Bachmann:  “What’s jerking off?”

Santorum: “Yes, I currently jerk off at least nine times a day, sometimes more, in my effort to bring life into this world and, of course, I always try to save my jizz so as not to destroy life.  There have been times, however, when my semen inadvertently gets away from me and gets stuck between the pages of the Playgirl…err, I mean the Playboy I just happen to be reading at the time.”

Pope Ben:  and Team Pawlenty?”

Perry:  “I jerk of as much as I want because it’s my right as an American and they can take away my jerking off when they pry my pecker from the grips of my cold dead fingers….especially those on my left hand.”

Pawlenty: “I believe jerking off is a sin in the eyes of God….therefore, I refrain from such pleasurable activity no matter how many times a day my mind wanders to the images of being surrounded by naked,  young choir boys between the ages of 10 through 13.”

Romney:  Of course everyone knows I was for jerking off before I was against it and now I’m either for it or against it depending on how the most extreme elements of the Republican party feel at the moment about jerking off…”

Pope Ben: ” And round 2 goes to……..Team Pawlenty!!!”

“Well, we have a tie folks but our final round will determined the winner.  At each of your booths you’ll find copies of Hustler or Playgirl opened to the most explicit pages.  Now then, your reaction to those explicit pages will be measured by my assistant, Vanna, and that measurement will determine how Pro Life you are.  The group with the most positive measurements wins today’s Family Values Feud.  So….HERE WE GO!  Vanna, please take the measurements.”

Vanna:  “We’re on the Team Bachmann side and it looks like Santorum with Hustler magazine has a 4″ boner which means he RESPECTS LIFE!”


…”however, Gingrich with Hustler magazine shows no measurement…in fact, I’m not able to detect any sign of a penis….so, HE DOES NOT RESPECT LIFE!!”


“and finally, Bachmann with Playgirl shows a dramatic increase in heart rate and salivation which means she DEFENDS ALL LIFE!!”


Pope Ben: “And Team Pawlenty?”

Vanna: “Well, both Perry and Pawlenty have serious erections with Playgirl…though it looks like Perry’s erection is bigger…which means neither of them respects life as much as Team Bachmann.”


“On the other hand, Romney with Hustler shows indications that he would rather wait to have an erection until he’s able to poll whether extremist Republicans approve or disapprove of erections….suggesting he is Pro Life….or then again, maybe not.”


Pope Ben:  “Folks, we have a WINNER!!!”


…”and today’s winner of who is more Pro Life is………..TEAM BACHMANN!!!”

Pope Ben: “Join us next week as we bring you the topic of which Republican is more revolted by the image of two men having unbridled sex….on FAMILY VALUES FEUD!!!!”


13 responses to “Family Values Feud !!!

  1. I know kj isn’t talking to you right now but I will tell you that this post ROCKS!!!!!!!!

  2. hey dog that was so funny thanks gota mow the grass later im still laughing

  3. Yo! Best photo of the Pope EVER! I’ve printed a copy & will paste on my rear window of my van for all to see. Great post, Southpaw; even though I knew Team Bachmann was gonna win the Q & A were superb. BTW, what was the prize? A gift certificate to ‘Dildoes R Us’?

  4. Hey, what’s up Southpaw . . . . when are you going to do a piece on Tom Coburn? I can’t stand that bastard. Anyway, I think I’d prefer this game over Family Feud:

    At least it has a better ending. 😉

  5. Hi SouthPaw, as usual you have hit the nail on the head!
    The Dems should run these slogans next year [ if you are pro-life you should not jerk off, sperm is a life form!]
    If you are pro life you should not menstruate, those eggs create life]
    if you are pro life you should not eat meat] those Texan ranchers would soon go broke but what the heck

    • wow !! I’ve haven’t heard from you, my friend, in many, many moons. How are you? Don’t be such a stranger!

    • Mary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • yes girl friend it is me , I have gotten all of your poems but my computer went to computer hell, so I had to save up to get another one which is cheaper to buy out here than to repair.
        At work I read your poems and SouthPaw bouts of genius, but did not want to take the chance of commenting

  6. I kept hearing Monty Python in my head as I was reading this great piece, too…

    Ev’ry sperm is sa-cred Ev’ry sperm is great If you spill it on the floor God gets quite Irate….

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